how i lost myself without even realizing it

I don't think I lost myself all at one. There wasn't a particular day when I woke up and suddenly didn't know who I was.

It happened slowly. Piece by piece.

I started making little compromises. I stopped listening to certain parts of myself. I became more concerned with keeping things okay and everyone else happy than asking myself if I was happy.

And that's the strange thing about losing yourself. Sometimes you don't even realize that you are losing yourself. It simply feels like you're adapting. You're being understanding. You're being supportive. You're doing what you think you should be doing to keep people happy.

Until one day, you stop and realize that you've spent so much time worried about how other people felt that you no longer knew what you needed anymore.

If that sounds like you, welcome. This is my story of losing myself.

when I started to put myself second

It didn't happen all at once. And truthfully I think it only started when I realized that the people around you could hurt you. So I thought that maybe if they were always happy then nothing bad would ever happen.

I don't even think I was consciously deciding that everyone else's happiness came first. It just started to happen.

I'd change my plans for someone else even if it wasn't convenient for me. I'd swallow what I wanted to say because what if the person didn't agree with my opinion. I'd convince myself that something wasn't a big deal because I didn't want to make a scene over something that no one else seemed to care about. I stopped telling people when they hurt me and excused it by saying it wasn't their intention.

Eventually over time, putting myself second stopped feeling like a choice. It became part of my automatic response.

I became so use to thinking about what other people needed from me that I stopped asking myself what I needed.

And the scariest part is that other people also get use to this version of you. The version of you who they know will always say yes. The version of you who they know will put them first no matter what. And the unfortunate thing is some people will use this to their advantage and you are too weak to say no.

I started to confuse being a good person with constantly making myself smaller for other people.

when I stopped listening to myself

There was a voice in my head that told me what I was doing wasn't right. There was still a part of me that continued to yell at myself to choose me. But there was a louder voice that screamed at me that this was the only way for people to not hurt me.

Truth be told though, that first voice always existed.

I could feel when something didn't feel right. I could feel when my willingness was being used. I could feel when I was getting burnt out and overwhelmed saying yes to what other people wanted.

But instead of listening to those thoughts, I learned how to debate them.

Maybe I'm just overthinking it. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Maybe they're not using me. Maybe they just need someone.

I became really good at questioning my thoughts and eventually I could no longer separate fact from feeling. And that was another part of me that disappeared.

Eventually, I just stopped listening to myself.

when my identity became connected to everything around me, but never me

Before all of this if you asked me who I was I would probably have an answer. It probably would have been something like this.

I am a girl who romanticizes life. I am a girl who wants to help others when times are rough. I am someone who enjoys cute things, the cuter something is, the happier I am. I am someone who wants to become a teacher so I can be someone that helps the next generation grow. I am a girl who likes to read because she enjoys seeing what worlds other people's minds can come up with.

Somewhere along the way this description changed. My identity became tied to other people.

I was someone's friend.

I was someone's employee.

I was a source of entertainment for people.

But there was one important thing missing in this.

Me. I had disappeared and I wasn't sure if any of her was left.

And now, that I have lost all that external stuff, I'm not so sure what I have left to say about myself.

when I became exhausted from not understanding anymore

At one point I became tired in a way that no amount of sleep can fix. Every little thought exhausted me.

"Did I do something to hurt them?" "Are they mad at me?" "What can I do to make them happy?" "I wonder if they would like it if I did this for them." "I hope I don't disappoint them."

Every little thought always had to do with someone else's feelings, someone else's thoughts.

And I became so tired. I became tired of always wondering if I had said the right thing. Tired of wondering if people liked me. Tired of trying to keep everyone around me happy. Tired of trying to understand why everyone else was the way they were while barely understanding myself.

For a long time, I thought that the answer to my exhaustion was to just try harder.

If someone was upset, I'd try harder to make them happy.

If I felt like I wasn't enough, I'd try harder to make them realize how much I do for them.

If someone went silent, I'd try harder to make them understand.

Eventually I realized that trying harder was just making me more exhausted and it was starting to become too much for the people around me too.

And at this point I had spent so much time maintaining my life that I realized that I was no longer living it.

when i realized that I lost myself

There isn't a dramatic moment like in a movie when you realized you've lost yourself.

It's more of a collection of little realization.

Someone asks you what you like to eat and then you realize that you have no idea. Someone asks you what you like to do in your free time and you realize that you have no idea. Someone asks you what shows you like to watch and you realize that you have no idea.

You realize that every decision you've been making, no matter how big or small, was based on what would make other people happy. And then you realized that you've forgotten what genuinely made you happy.

For me it took a really long time to get to this point. And then recently came a time where I was about to lose everything and that's when I realized, my everything was someone else's. It was not my life. It was a life that I had built around someone else's goals and dreams.

And that's when you start asking yourself that awful question,

"Who am I?"

I was angry at myself for a really long time when I finally accepted that I no longer knew who I was. How could I get to this point? And then after the anger came the confusion. How was I suppose to find something that I didn't even know I lost? Where was I suppose to start?

learning that losing myself doesn't mean i'm gone

The most important thing that I've learned is that I haven't disappeared. I'm just buried underneath everything I've been carrying.

I've also realized that finding myself again doesn't necessarily mean finding the person I was before all of this. Maybe that person will never come back. And that's okay. Maybe the goal isn't to become who I used to be. Maybe it's simply to discover who I am now.

So how am I doing this?

I'm learning to ask myself what I want. I'm learning that I can't let the fear of losing someone or hurting someone dictate, not if that means hurting myself. I'm learning that changing my mind is allowed. I'm learning that if making a choice for myself causes someone else to be angry to just let them. I'm learning that I can care about people without abandoning myself.

I'm learning that my life can belong to me again.

what's next

Truth be told, I still haven't found myself yet. I still don't know what I enjoy doing. I still don't know what I like to eat. I still don't know what makes me happy. But I'm trying. I'm trying to remember what makes me excited purely because it's something I want to do. I'm learning to ask myself if I want to do something before doing it. I'm learning that this identity is ever-changing and I owe no one a permanent version of myself because it suits them best.

I have found thing that I use to be though. A writer. It's been a really long time since I've written and I'm so glad to have found it again. And I hope that this place helps you find yourself too.