maybe i'm just scared to get better.

There's a part of me that's scared to get better.

I've spent so much time thinking about what's wrong with me and what I need to do to heal that sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have to be thinking all the time.

But getting better feels so unfamiliar. And that scares me.

I think a part of me is scared that I can't get better. I mean, I can believe I can get better and still be scared that it's not possible.

I'm scared to become someone I don't recognize. I'll have to let go of the version of me that I've spent so much time trying to understand. I'll have to stop preparing for the worse. I'll have to believe that life can actually be good, not just painful.

And what if I don't know how to do that.

Maybe I'm also scared of what comes after.

I'm scared to find out what's on the other side of this.

For so long, I've wondered if the things I feel are because of the hurt that I carry, because I'm overwhelmed, because I'm tired. I wonder if healing will change the way I see everything.

But the thing that scares me the most right now, is what if I get better and I still want him in my life?

What if I become calmer? What if I become happier? What if my emotions don't feel so hard to control? What if I finally learn to sit with uncertainty and stop seeing it as something to fix? What if I finally become that version of myself that he kept telling me was buried underneath all this pain and anger?

And what if, after all of that, I still feel like I'm missing him?

Honestly I wish that I knew healing would erase all of the desire. I want to believe that if I get better, if I truly believe life isn't suppose to be like this, I'll suddenly understand that I never needed him. I'll wake up one morning and it'll all feel so obvious. That one day my heart will reflect what my brain knows.

But on the other hand, what if I become the person I always wanted to be, but still love them?

I think that's something I'm struggling with right now. The idea of going through all this healing, finally feeling better, but still holding this painful desire for someone scares me.

I think a part of me believes that if I go through all this healing I shouldn't desire someone who caused me so much pain. That if I heal, I shouldn't love someone like that.

But maybe that's not true.

Maybe healing doesn't erase attachment. It can't make some people meaningless.

Maybe healing for me is just getting to a point where I can desire someone without losing myself in the desire.

I don't know honestly.

Maybe I'm just scared I can't ever get to the point of healing that I wish for. Maybe I'm just scared that healing won't erase my desire for him.

And truthfully right now, I haven't decided what to do next. I haven't decided if I want to heal or just end things as they are.

I don't see this as me failing myself, I think I'm just at a point where I want to make decisions I'm content with. I want to make decisions for myself without worrying about anyone else.

So I guess I'll end with this. We'll just have to wait to see what happens.