maybe this is enough for now

I've been an anxiously attached person for a really long time. I mean, given my past, it was kind of hard to not develop abandonment issues. So whenever something ended, I clung to them. Usually for a while until they've been gone for so long that I can finally see the truth of our relationship.

But this time is different. There's this person that I met a while ago and he's just someone who has stayed in my mind. And maybe it's attachment. Maybe it's not. Weirdly enough this time around, I'm more at peace at being left. It still hurts and I still wish it ended differently. But the anxiety is quieter this time around.

Usually I would fight it. I would cling to them even if they're not replying. I'd try to stay in contact with them so maybe they would just remember how it was like when I was around. I'd look to see what they were up to, to see if maybe they missed me.

I think I'm just at peace this time.

I still love them. I still miss them. I still have moments where I wish things had ended differently. But none of them feel as frantic as before. I'm not desperately trying to make that feeling of longing disappear. I'm not angry at myself for still having it. This time I'm just letting it exist.

Maybe it's because I know that this time I'll get through it. Maybe it's because this time I can see that I was hurt when I stayed.

And maybe it's because, somewhere inside of me, I still feel like it's going to be okay.

I don't know what okay looks like yet. Maybe it means everything will work out the way I hope. Maybe it means it won't.

Or maybe it's because for the first time in my life, I do love someone, not just feel like I need them.

Either way, a part of me doesn't fully believe this chapter is ending like this, but who knows, maybe I'm wrong.

But at least for once, I'm more at peace.