I never wanted to be someone who was on social media, to be honest. It was never part of my plan to have thousands of people knowing my life, my thoughts, and who I am as a person. But for the last year and a half, my life has been on social media. Not all of it, but enough of it.

There's something I've been realizing later: maybe I stop feeling the need to explain yourself when I finally accepted my own version of the story.

There's a part of me that's scared to get better.

I've been an anxiously attached person for a really long time. I mean, given my past, it was kind of hard to not develop abandonment issues. So whenever something ended, I clung to them. Usually for a while until they've been gone for so long that I can finally see the truth of our relationship.

I talk a lot about healing and moving on from your past. And I talk a lot about fixing yourself from your past experiences. Honestly, I don't really think it's about healing yourself. Sometimes I think I just want someone to understand me. For someone to understand me without trying to fix me or help me. For someone just to sit, listen, and understand.

I've actually been struggling these last few days to figure out what to write about. Not because I have nothing that I'm thinking, I just can't figure out what it is exactly that I feel.

i am tired

There's a particular kind of confusion that comes from knowing your actions hurt someone, all while knowing your actions were a reaction to the hurt they put onto you.

There was someone in my life that I cared about a lot. They were someone that I wanted to stay forever so I spent a lot of time trying to understand them. But I spent so much time trying to understand them and why they hurt me that I forgot to ask myself why I was allowing them to hurt me.

I've gone through a lot during my life. There have been many moment of happiness, but even more moments of pain. But I had always cared too much, whether in a good way or a bad way.

TW: Death and suicide

I hate you.

I've had to spend a lot of time recently with the idea of accountability.

For a really really long time, I thought I was just being careful. I thought that preparing for the worst meant I was protecting myself. I thought that if I was just prepared I could stop the painful situation from happening. If I thought of every single possibly outcome, I couldn't possibly still get hurt.

Some connections are difficult to explain because there isn't a word that quite captures everything that happened.

I don't think I lost myself all at one. There wasn't a particular day when I woke up and suddenly didn't know who I was.

In today's world it seems like everyone is suffering from some sort of mental illness. How did we get here and what do we do next?