the feeling i can't name

I've actually been struggling these last few days to figure out what to write about. Not because I have nothing that I'm thinking, I just can't figure out what it is exactly that I feel.

I just know that I'm feeling things right now, but there's so much. Every minute of the day a different feeling goes through my head. And truth be told I've been sleeping a lot just so I don't have to think. Unfortunately, my sleep is filled with dreams that leave me even more confused when I wake up.

I think one of the hardest parts of healing is having to actually understand what it is you feel. And honestly I feel like no matter how much you try to explain it to yourself or to others, no one will ever be able to fully understand. It's really hard to find an answer to a question that you don't even know.

I've been sitting a lot in silence these days, not even having a show or music on at all. All I do is think these days. And even then, I can't figure out completely what I feel.

I'm kind of stuck in this unknown world right now. I can't figure out how I feel so it's hard for me to figure out what to do next to get out of this. And that's making things really hard right now.

I keep trying to find the right word. Am I sad? Am I numb? Am I overwhelmed? Am I relieved? Am I over it? Am I still missing him?

I don't know.

Maybe it's all of it, maybe it's none of it.

Honestly, I've been beating myself up a little bit for struggling in my writings. I set out to speak all my truths and feelings. I started this to finally get all my thoughts out into the world without holding anything back. I made this so that if the times end, I will have done the one thing I wanted to the most in helping people with my experience.

But I realized that maybe it's okay that I don't know how I feel.

I think when you're someone who is self-aware on a healing journey, you expect yourself to alwyas know what's going on in your head. And when you're on this healing journey you feel the need to remember and name everything so you can finally heal every little part of you.

But maybe that's just not how it works.

Maybe human emotions aren't that easy. Maybe you can feel everything and nothing all at once.

You're not necessarily falling apart, but you're not really okay either. You're not hopeful, but you're not completely hopeless. You're not necessarily wanting to die, but you're not necessarily wanting to live either.

You're just here.

And that's pretty much where I really am. I think.

I just think it's funny because I set out to write to help you unravel your thoughts and here I am struggling to figure my own out.

When people ask me how I'm doing right now after what just happened all I can say is "I'm fine." But maybe I should stop saying that. Maybe instead I should just say, "I don't know."

And that might be the most honest thing I can say to them right now.

to be cont.