i know i can, i just don't care anymore

I've gone through a lot during my life. There have been many moment of happiness, but even more moments of pain. But I had always cared too much, whether in a good way or a bad way.

Recently something broke me completely and since then my mind has slowly adopted the constant thought of "I don't care." This situation took the last of hope I had and the last bit of any dream I was trying to chase. And it's terrifying to live in this idea of not caring.

When I say I don't care, I don't mean in the healthy sense of not caring what people think of you or not caring how a situation will turn out. I mean that I genuinely just do not care about anything.

For once in my life I know things can get better. I believe that I can get better. I know life is always changing and with the bad comes the good. I know all of this. I finally know and believe all of this. But knowing all of this doesn't mean I want it anymore. And that's what's so scary about this new mindset I have. I've always been sad because I didn't believe in any of the good things. But now, I just didn't care.

I know I can. I just don't care.

i used to think that hope was forever

Even through everything I have gone through (and I have gone through a lot), the one thing I never loss was hope. Through all the tears and scars I still hoped to be happy. I hoped for someone to love me. I hoped to have a future that I was proud of. Even when I was in the deepest darkest times of my life, I still wanted that future. So I never left.

And that hope continued to journey with me through every dark hour and it kept me alive til now. I just assumed that hope would always be there. I thought that one day the hope would be something I believed in.

But then, it left me. My hope was gone. I think what happened last really did break me. I spent so long hoping for something that when it hurt me, I realized there was no use having that hope anymore. So I let it go, and I stopped caring.

i know things can get better

I'm not saying that life is hopeless. I'm not saying that I'm hopeless.

I have gotten to a point in life (finally) where I believe healing is possible. I've gotten to a point where I'm starting to learn how to heal the little parts of me. I'm learning that it's about finding the healing that you need for your pain, not what healing might work for someone else. I understand all of this. I know life is not something that will continue to stay dark and I know that it's possible to heal from the past.

I can still here people now saying to me, "It will get better." Yes, I know. I believe you.

But belief and desire are two separate concepts. I can believe that life can get better, but I can also have no desire for that better life.

Life will get better. I believe in this fully. I just don't know why I should care about reaching it anymore. That's what I mean by I just don't care.

i'm tired

I'm tired of the fight. I'm tired of waking up everyday knowing it's going to be hours of pain and exhaustion from my thoughts fighting each other.

When you have spent more than half your life fighting to stay alive it's easy to be exhausted. This is more than me fighting just a little longer. This is me wanting to stop fighting for once in my life.

I constantly have to be strong. Every day is a fight. I don't just wake up in the morning and be happy I'm awake. I wake up every morning reminding myself to stay strong.

Eventually over time even just the thought of staying strong became exhausting. I'm saying that I can't fight. If I really needed to, I could find the strength to fight. I've been doing it everyday since 2012.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting just to get to a place I don't even know if I want.

the difference between giving up and feeling disconnected

I'm not saying all of this because I'm fully giving up yet. It's not so much that I'm giving it. It's that I'm at a place where I'm so disconnected from the idea of a a future.

I can still make happy memories. I can still laugh with my friends. I can still make jokes.

And still, I feel strangely indifferent towards the bigger picture.

the hardest part is knowing i could

And this is the fact that is really really really sucky.

I know I'm strong. I know I've survived so many hard obstacles before. I know there are people who would tell me I'm worth fighting for. I know there are people who would truly be sad if I left this world. I know there are endless possibilities that I haven't experienced yet.

Despite knowing all of this, none of that makes me want to have a future.

And that feeling is one that I don't know how to change.

and i don't know

I don't know what all of this means yet. I don't know if I'll ever get that hope back, that need to have a future. I don't know if this feeling will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Maybe it's not that I stopped caring. Maybe my system is just so overwhelmed that feeling so much ended up feeling like nothing.

Maybe this is just what happens when you've spent so much time surviving.

ending

There is no ending to this yet. It's the first time I've experienced something like this. And I'll be honest, it's terrifying.

For someone who always cared too much, to suddenly not care at all feels scary. It feels like something in me broke and I don't know how to fix it.

And within the scary parts, I also feel weirdly at peace. And maybe it's because I stopped caring about anything that I can find this peace.

Maybe it's not caring that means I accept whatever happens.

I don't know.