somewhere in between living and dying

TW: Death and suicide

When people ask me how I'm doing these days I'm never quite sure how to answer them.

Do I tell them how sad I feel? Do I tell them how I'm not quite sure who I am anymore? Do I tell them how sometimes I'm really excited to be happy? Or do I tell them how sometimes I wish I would never wake up.

The real answer is that I'm somewhere in between living and dying.

And I'm not writing this because I'm asking someone to save me. I'm not writing this so people can come try to fix my problem.

I'm writing this because I know I'm not the only one stuck in this place of living or dying.

what does the "in between" feel like

Truth be told I feel like it's very hard to put into words and for those who have never experienced it before, it's hard to even imagine.

The "in between" is when you're not completely hopeless, but you're not hopeful either. I'm not in a place where I hate everything that is happening, but I'm also not in a place where I believe things will become better. I'm not actively falling apart every second of the day, but I'm also never okay. I am simply "in between." I'm in between deciding to live or to die.

The "in between" looks like being able to wake up and do every "normal" thing required of a simple human. But it also means you feel absolutely nothing while doing all of it. Every day just feels like the next. You're not really living. You're just existing. You're surviving. I no longer tell people that I'm living, I'm simply surviving.

You feel like you're experiencing everything outside of your body. You just never feel truly connected to anything that happens anymore. Everything becomes dull until one day, you just feel nothing.

the strange quietness

The pain isn't always loud. It's not something that screams in your ear, begging you to notice it. No, the pain when you're in the "in between" is much quieter, much softer. But it's always there. It's always there, numbing you until the nothingness feels normal.

You're not crying everyday, but you're not happy. You're just there.

Sometimes you don't even know how you feel. Sometimes there is no way to describe what this nothingness feels like. And this can sometimes be even more confusing.

What are you suppose to do if you feel nothing at all?

still living

And I'm not saying that I'm just constantly numb. I can still laugh, I can still smile, I can still have fun.

I am still living as if there was nothing wrong. But these moments of normality don't stop the numbness.

Two things can exist at once: wanting something beautiful from life while struggling to feel connected to it.

the exhaustion of trying to understand yourself

As someone who has spent years in this spot of uncertainty, whether to live or to die, I am exhausted.

When you have no feeling you spend hours trying to figure out what that even means. You sit there wondering what it even means. I'm not crying everyday so does that mean I'm not depressed? But I'm also not really happy anymore, so does that mean I am depressed? You spend so much time just trying to figure out what you even feel anymore.

And when it comes to the idea of living or dying, you spend forever trying to figure out what you even want next.

You can hope for a better future, but also be too tired to fight for it. You can believe that things will get better, but also not care enough to find that better version. You can still hope to live all while wanting to die.

And it's exhausting constantly debating the two sides in your head.

the two parts of me

Right now as I write this I've never felt more stuck in the "in between."

There's one part of me that believes things will get better. The part of me that still dreams of a fairytale ending, where everything ends up working out and I finally understand everything that has ever happened. There's a part of me that is hopeful of what could happen.

But there's also the other part of me. This part of me is tired. It's the part of me who has spent 10+ years fighting to live. It's the part of me that's tired of thinking, tired of feeling, tired of trying, and just tired of having to figure out what's next. It's the part of me that has simply been overwhelmed with the constant pain of believing and trying.

it's scary how normal this feels now

The scariest part isn't the feeling and the uncertainty whether you'll live or die. The scariest part is how normal all of this feels.

The dark thoughts aren't dramatic. They sit quietly in the back of your mind, always whispering to you, but never loud enough that they overwhelm you. They're there when you're hanging out with friends. They're there when you're having a normal conversation. Everything could be completely normal, but you still feel this heaviness weighing at you. The constant thought of, "maybe I really am just too tired this time."

And the hardest part about this is how do you explain being okay, but also not being okay all at the same time.

this isn't what i want

Now, again, I am not writing this to romanticize this feeling. It is not to normalize feeling this way.

I'm writing this because that is where I have been for a very long time.

But I think it's time to stop pretending that everything is normal when I can't even remember the last time I felt normal. I can't remember the last time my brain wasn't wondering what it would be like to die.

And I know there are some people out there who feel the same way I do.

You want to live, but at the same time you don't want to live the life in pain. You're scared to die, but you're also scared of the pain of living.

And I'm sorry I don't have the answer to this problem yet. I'm far too deep in it right now. But at least you know that you're not alone in those thoughts. And regardless of what happens, whether one side wins in your head, I hope you remember that I understand. You are understood.

ending

To be honest, I don't know what side is winning right now. That's why I started this page. I wanted to give myself a place to be fully honest with myself and with everyone else about who I am and where I am.

I wanted to stop hiding behind a smile. I wanted others to feel heard because for me, that's all I've ever wanted too. I wanted to be able to be honest for once without people seeing it as a cry for help.

I don't know where this feeling will take me next. I don't know how much longer I'll feel this way. I don't know which side will win. I just know this is where I am right now and I'm finally letting myself tell the truth about it.

I hope we can all win this battle inside our heads, but if I don't, I still hope that you can.