what's mine to carry -- and what isn't
I've had to spend a lot of time recently with the idea of accountability.
Not just what it means to apologize when I've done something wrong, but what it means to take ownership of my actions.
I think the problem with accountability is that it can often get confused with responsibility. And I myself fell into this dilemma for a really long time. And honestly, I might still be stuck there sometimes.
When someone was hurt, I felt like apologizing meant I would be taking all the blame.
When I made a mistake, I felt like admitting it meant I would taking all the blame.
I had to learn how to separate the two. You can take accountability for your actions without taking responsibility for the whole situation.
And I won't lie, it really does vary by situation. Unfortunately with some people taking accountabilty means taking responsibility, but the only thing you can control in those cases is what you chose to do next.
accountability means holding yourself responsible
Accountability is defined as the quality or state of being responsible for your actions, decisions, and their outcomes, along with the willingness to explain and accept their consequences.
It requires you to be honest with yourself.
If you hurt someone, you need to willing to acknowledge how your actions caused them pain.
If you said something unfair, you need to own it.
If you reacted in a way that you're not proud of, you need to be able to say, I should have handled that differently.
It's not about finding excuses. It's not about explaining why you did what you did (I'm still learning this one).
It's about the willingness to look at your own behavior without getting defensive.
What you did hurt them, regardless of your intentions. You're not taking accountability for why you did something, you're taking accountability for how your actions hurt.
responsibility has limits
That being said taking accountability for your actions does not mean taking responsibility for someone else's.
You can take responsibility for your actions without taking responsibility for how they interpreted it. You can take responsibility for one part of the situation without taking the blame for the whole situation.
You did the action. They decided their reaction. You can apologize for your action without taking responsibility for their reaction.
You can apologize for hurting someone without agreeing that you're a terrible person who caused all the pain.
You can acknowledge your part of the conflict without taking responsibility for causing the entire conflict.
i can own my own part without owning everything
I think this is where I had to grow the most.
Sometimes when it comes to tension and complicated situations we like to look and ask, so whose fault is this?
It's not that simple though. Sometimes a conflict is the result of multiple people's choices, multiple people's actions, and multiple people's reactions.
Your only responsibility is to examine your part and not carry everyone else's.
Sometimes there's no one at fault. Not everything has to be solved by finding someone to blame.
when accountability gets mistaken for responsibility
So what happens when you taking accountability means the person thinking you're taking responsibility for everything.
I've had to take accountability for a lot of things when it came to someone in my life. But after a while I came to realize that when I took accountability for things, they were twisting the story so that it was all my fault. And maybe it's because I never spoke up about how they hurt me or maybe it was because even if I did, they didn't take accountability.
Now what?
Be specific about what you're owning.
Vague apologizes tend to create room for other people to fill in. Instead of saying that you're sorry for everything, get specific about what you're apologizing for.
That sets the tone for exactly what you're taking ownership of.
Acknowledge their feelings without accepting their interpretation.
You can say that you understand why they felt hurt without saying that everything they believe about you to be true. You can understand that you hurt them without saying that their blame on you entirely is true.
Don't over explain.
Sometimes when it begins to feel like the other person is intrepreting your accountability as an admisison of total responsibility, your first instinct is to explain yourself. And you might feel the need to do it over and over again til the person understands.
Eventually one of two things happens. It sounds like you're making excuses or it becomes you trying to convince the other person that you're still worthy of forgiveness.
Unfortunately sometimes the other person will never understand. But as in most situations the only thing you can control is yourself. You cannot control if this person is going to believe you. You cannot control if this person is going to blame you for everything. Sometimes the other person may still believe you are responsible for more than you actually are.
At that point you have to be comfortable knowing you were honest about your part.
And I shouldn't have to say this, but that comfort only exists if you truly took accountability for your part and understand what part you played.
what you are responsible for
So to tie it all up when it comes to taking accountability, what are you responsible for?
You are responsible for:
your words.
your actions.
your boundaries.
how you communicate.
whether you apologize for your mistakes.
whether you learn from your mistakes.
what you chose to do next.
You are not responsible for:
someone else's choice.
someone else's emotions.
someone else's interpretation of you.
someone else's healing.
whether someone else forgives you.
whether someone choses to stay.
ending
I am not the perfect person. I still haven't learn how to really take accountability. And maybe that's because I don't know how yet. Or maybe that's because the people who asked me to take accountability always had a way to make it entirely my fault.
Either way I am still learning and it's going to be hard to really learn how to do so.
The important thing is learning from the mistake. And in order to do so, you have to understand what that mistake was and why it affected the other person the way it did. This is not an easy task. Sometimes you will never really understand why the person was hurt by your actions because it wasn't something that hurt you. This is where communciation is important. It's important for you to understand their pain in order to learn from the mistakes. That is something I lacked for a really long time. It was hard to know what mistakes not to make again because I never understood the mistake I made in the first place.
Accountability does not mean you're taking the blame. It means that you know what belongs to you and you learn from it.
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